STOP! THIEF!

It's so hard for me to wrap my head around this, but we were most definitely burglarized today. A person (or persons) unknown entered our yard, unauthorized, and stripped one of our tangerine trees -- the satsuma -- of 95 percent of its crop. Sadly, we are the victims of Grand Theft, Tangerine.

Here are the few facts we have. Sometime this afternoon, my husband, whose office is close enough to our house to allow him to pop in now and then for a mid-day meal, returned home for lunch. He went to the yard to pick a few tangerines to eat, and was surprised to find the tree was almost without fruit. When we last took notice, probably sometime yesterday, this tree was laden with delightful satsumas. By my estimate, 60 to 75 tangerines have been pilfered. It was a tidy job, too. No dropped fruit. No torn branches. This crime was planned by someone who brought in a carry-bag and a clippers. Notably, the Meyer lemons and Mexican limes were untouched and still hang from their branches. Likewise, the lettuces, kale and other greens also appear to be fine.

So who took the satsumas? And for what purpose? Was it tangerine lust? Greed? Resale value? A desperate need for Vitamin C? None of this makes any sense.

The dog -- our ever vigilant corgi -- was in the house today, probably napping during the crime. She refuses to provide any useful information, claiming that she heard nothing, smelled nothing, saw nothing. I keep quizzing her, but she answers with the same "I don't know what you're talking about" stare. Tomorrow I'll talk to the neighbors to see if they noticed anyone in our yard.

Our kids both have solid alibis; both boys are away at college at the moment. Being late January, their friends are also mostly away at school. Honestly, I can't picture any of their crowd taking the trouble to steal tangerines, even as a practical joke. It's just not funny.

Do we have any enemies, you ask? No, no one we can finger. In fact, we go out of our way to build good neighbor relations by giving our oversupply of fruits and vegetables away. Our neighbors know that if they want some fruit, just ask for it.

This tangerine loss comes on the heals of our grape debacle this past September, when the local Station Fire created so much ash, our concord crop was dusted with it and made inedible. Now, it's a tangerine thief. We feel so violated.

So no leads -- only trepidation. Will the thief (or thieves) return for the rest of citrus? Will the salad greens go next? Should I make a police report? Who suggested that this gardening thing was a peaceful and relaxing hobby? It's full of heartache and disappointment -- and sometimes, a really good piece of fruit.