What About Me?

Dear Senator McCain,
I should be in my garden right now hunting for grasshoppers. They must consider eggplant leaves to be a delicacy, because they devour them and ignore the parsley and peppers, but that's neither here nor there. I've postponed the locust hunt for a moment, because I have something important to tell you. Should Mrs. Palin reconsider and announce that she no longer wants to be your running mate, I'm available as her replacement.

After reading this letter, you won't believe your good fortune, especially since I'm presently unemployed, which means I could dive right into the task at hand. It's true that we've never met, but I could fly to Arizona for a coffee or something. Anyway, after you look at my qualifications, you'll see that I have a compelling story that your team could really sell to the American people.

First, I grew up in a little house in Los Angeles, and, like Sarah Palin, I have solid blue-collar roots. Neither of my parents went to college. My mother worked in a bank, and my father was a warehouseman for the city's water and power department. I was a cute kid, and I earned good grades, so we won't have to worry if anyone leaks my childhood photos or report cards to the media.

Like Mrs. Palin, I also have a journalism degree. I don't know what she did with her J-school credentials, but I used mine to help support big oil. It's true. In the early 1980s, I worked as a public relations writer for a big oil company. My job experience here will go along way with your constituents, don't you think?

Continuing with the basics, I have a nice husband, whom I married in 1985 and helped put through law school. We have two sons, and I was president of their pre-school. This was a rough job that required lots of management expertise and a deft hand with people, but I excelled at it. Ask anyone.

I know I'm looking good so far, but it only gets better. While Mrs. Palin was running for city council in an Alaska suburb and, later, the governorship of that sparsely populated state, I was working as an investigator. I've ferreted out fraudulent invoicing by city contractors, and found compelling evidence of sexual harassment and discrimination against women. I've also shot down a number of bogus sexual harassment claims, too, so no one has to worry that I'm some bleeding heart investigator, who can't find her way to the truth.

On a personal note, like you, I've battled cancer. Really. I think the American people would like this fact because it shows adversity. I also know a thing or two about health care in this country. Maybe this could be my issue, unless Cindy wants to take it on. Maybe Cindy and I could flip a coin for it. But we can talk about that later.

Senator McCain, I've saved the best for last. While Mrs. Palin was cutting her teeth as a hockey mom, I was an actual Soccer Mom. You know the political power and cachet of the Soccer Mother. Only a relative few kids play hockey in this country, but every kid plays soccer, even where it's cold, even in Alaska. I know this because I'm friendly with some soccer-playing kids in Alaska, and I think their parents might campaign for me if I were on the ticket.

It's not all rosy, as I do have a few tiny negatives. I have to confess that I've never fired a gun of any kind, and I've never entered a beauty pageant. Mrs. Palin wins on those points. But I thought we could counter my weaknesses here with the fact that I volunteered as a junior life guard. The life guard thing has both a public safety aspect and a bathing suit component. Pretty good stuff, no?

Oh, and as long as we're weighing the negatives, I'm a life-long Democrat. Oh, and I have no foreign policy experience. I get confused about how the Asian countries are aligned. Where exactly is Singapore in relation to the Philippines? Oh, and my eyes glaze over when the pundits go into any depth about tax policy. (You'd have to nudge me if this happened.) Oh, and I have some pretty strong opinions about the war in Iraq, but then so do you. You and I would need to have a word or two about that little conflict, but I'm sure we could arrive at an understanding. Anyway, should Mrs. Palin drop out, Senator, I'm your fall-back female. We would be a veritable dream ticket, you and me. Just let me know when you're free, and I'll pop over to Arizona for a nice chat. Do you think your mom could join us? She's a person I'd like to meet. Right now, I have to get outside and see who's been eating my garden. Is hunting for grasshoppers in Glendale equivalent to hunting for caribou in Anchorage? Probably not, but no worries. It's all in the spin.